Blog Archives - thinking out loud...
 

my dearest beloved dad,

i've missed you.
all of us at home have been missing you.
so so much.
needless to say, our days are not the same without you.
there's a big void that we are now trying to cope with.

we understand and have accepted why you have to go.
allah loves you more so he calls upon you to be in his good grace.
its the blink-of-the-eye passing that still shock not only us but also everyone around you.
i still remember that moment when you lay unconcious in my arms.
i felt so hopeless not knowing what to do.
it was there and then i knew i was gonna lose you.

all i can think of that moment was how i've never really talked to you.
its such a cliche i know.
only moments as such will trigger the regrets.
i regret to have never said to you, "i love you dad".
or even the occassional "thank you dad".
but i know that you know eventhough we were never so verbal about it.

i admit we were never close.
but i know our bond is more than special.
you have always given me the freedom to be myself.
to pursue what i wish albeit its too trivial for anyone to understand.
i remember you saying "up to you" as i changed 3 courses in the space of 3 months.
i'm sorry if i've disppointed you dad.
i know i didn't go far in my studies but i hope i did you proud.

if you were discontent with my shortcomings, you never showed it.
i don't remember any one time when you said we should've done better.
or if we've wasted the chances given to us.
that is what i respect about you, you trust us that we've done our best.
you never put us down.
instead you would go out of your way to even help us move forward.
in your own very subtle way.

you might not say it to us your kids on how proud you are of us.
but i know that you can't stop talking about what your kids have achieved to your friends.
how one of your daughter is in paris, working for the country.
the other a manager in a big local company.
and the youngest one is doing well at a local uni.
us boys, i don't know what you might have said.
but i'm sure you have your ways of making us look good.

thank you for giving us the chance to see the world dad.
if not for your posting in riyadh, i would never have had the chance to study in uk.
we would also never had the chance to perform our haj and umrah so comfortably and regularly.
i know you fought hard to be posted much longer so that your kids can continue their studies.
we know you were unhappy to not be able to send us at your own cost.
but we understood dad, you have done your best.
you have given more than enough.

your lost have opened my eyes and heart to be more appreciative of things.
its sad that i have to lose you to finally come to my senses.
but then again, that is maybe how allah intended to be.
its high time too.
i know i've been living too wildly and carefree off the main purpose of our life on this temporary world.
i promise dad, i will work my way to a more decent life.
one expected from the all mighty.

i miss you dad.
i miss how you would always enter my room at 5am to get your golf set.
its still there.
i couldn't bare to move it.
the other night i dreamt you came to the room, taking it out as usual.
but i know that will no longer be as i woke up in tears.

i miss the way how would just mumble about things when i'm driving you.
i miss how you would hung-up the phone when i'm still talking to you.
i miss how you would use my car despite knowing i'd be needing it.
i miss how you would miss call me to call you back.
i miss how you always keep my watches in good keeping since i'm always careless with it.
i miss how you would always told me to learn to tie my own necktie everytime i asked you for help.
i miss seeing you come back with cool prizes from your constant golfing tournaments.
i miss how you always write down in paper the things you wanted to say and then asked me to send it as sms to your friends.
i miss finding you asleep on the sofa while the tv watches you instead.

there is so much we've missed about you.
i'm sorry if we've taken you for granted.
you have always taken care of the nitty gritty for us.
we've always depended on you to help keep our vehicles legal and road-worthy.
the lil' brats surely missed having you drive them to and from school.
you always bring them joy when you buy them their jellys everytime you come back home.

celebrating ghah's (your one and only granddaughter) birthday will be hard this year.
as you both have the same birthday.
every year we're always used to the double celebration.
so this time around, i cant quite imagine how it would be.

there is so much i could say but i think you know it in your heart that we love you.
eventhough we don't say it often.
you have made us a good home and taught us how to live sensibly and in moderation.
you taught us to be kind and help out anyone in need any way we can.
we will never forget, how in your very own subtle way again, you have taught us to be a good person and be thankful for what we have and who we are.

ya allah ya tuhanku,
kau rahmatilah roh bapaku,
hj ajimain bin hj abdullah,
tempatkan lah dia bersama-sama orang yang beriman,
dan bersama-sama ahli-ahli syurgamu.
jauhkan lah dia dari siksa kubur
dan hapuskan lah jua dosa-dosa nya.
amin, amin ya raball-alamin.

al-fatihah.

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